Thoughts on Privacy and Adoption

March 10th, 2020

My kiddos when Ethan and Anna were first home.

I’ve been thinking a lot about privacy and our kids and our adoptions. Many, many people have told me to write a book about our adoptions, and the fact is that I could write a kick butt book about that. It would make you laugh and cry. And it would definitely put out in the world parts of their history and struggles that I’m pretty sure they would not want to be made public. And my loyalty always has to be with my kiddos. Because the fact is that my story is not just my story – it’s impossible to tell just “my story” without also telling parts of the stories that aren’t mine to tell. And my kids have enough to deal with.

When we first adopted Noah, I blogged a lot about it. I blogged the trip and all our firsts and things leading up to it, etc. And I had so many people tell me that they loved that blog and felt they’d visited China and come along with us, etc. And looking back, I think I totally overshared. I blogged for Ethan and Anna’s too, and it was less, but there were still some very personal things in there. Looking back again, I overshared. And I think this is where my writer’s block has been coming from (I’ve been struggling for a while). The more I know and love my kids, and the more I research and try to understand the feelings of adult adoptees and all the complication of it all (and trust me, it is really complicated), the more I feel I can share almost nothing.

And here’s why that is so hard. My kids are amazing. Like, amazing. And hurt. And they needed a family. And watching us become a family has been one of the greatest miracles of my life. I have been absolutely amazed at God, awed by the bravery of my children, and stunned by both the fragility and the resilience of the human heart. The changes are literally mind-boggling, and the stories are incredible. And if I shared it, I know that there are others who would be made braver by our story and who might then go on to adopt other children who need families and who might be a miracle in those people’s lives. And I want that. I want it so much. The children we left behind haunt me, so much that there are times I have to deliberately not think about them or it’s just too much for me. And those children were my children. Those children have all the potential and beauty and humor and love and fun that my children have. They are just children, and they don’t deserve what life has given them.

But sharing our story could hurt my children. In fact, I’m certain it would. I could tell you a heart-breaking story one of my kids whispered to me in the dark recently, and how we are trying so hard to redeem that story and make it something beautiful now, and it would touch your heart, but I would be betraying the trust that was in that whisper in the dark. That trust that came literally years after becoming their mama. And that can’t happen.

I think about the viral video of the boy from Australia who was being bullied for his dwarfism and wanted to die. I don’t condemn that mom – I’m sure she was at her wit’s end and just wanted people to see the effect of bullying and educate their children. And many feel-good moments came out of that. A GoFundMe to send them to Disneyland, a shout-out from Hugh Jackman, getting to lead the National Rugby League’s Indigenous All Stars team onto the field. But does he need a trip to Disneyland? When that’s over, will it make up for 25 million people seeing one of his most private, most vulnerable moments? And will it make up for him being associated with that very painful moment for the rest of his life?

I know that what I post on social media is seen by the wider world, but it’s also seen by our neighbors and by the kids my kids go to school with. I don’t want them to be defined by their struggles or their pasts. I don’t want them to Google themselves one day and resent their mom for sharing what they would have kept private.

So, I don’t see a book coming. I don’t know how to do it. Right now, I share some of my kids’ stories at my events, and they know what I share and have “approved” those stories, but even that makes me nervous that some day they will wish I hadn’t. I guess if I’m going to err, I’d rather err of the side of caution and loyalty to my children. So, let’s all pray that people’s heart are softened without the very personal story, and together we can help all the kids who are waiting to be their family’s miracle.

New York, baby!

December 12th, 2019

With Pastor Mike at dinner – that giant salad on top of a pizza was what they assured me was a personal-sized pizza, lol!

The incredible set they built at Shelter Rock – the books also had storybook images projected across them the entire time.

My beautiful friend, Linda, leading worship before I spoke at Christ Church in Port Jefferson, NY.

The beautiful new sanctuary at Island Christian as we were setting up.

The Women’s Christmas Brunch at Island Christian.

I was back in New York for three Christmas events this past week, all out on Long Island. I used to live out there when Nathan and I were first married and both in graduate school. So it’s always fun to get back to my old stomping grounds, and catch up with old friends and see what is happening with ministry!

I was staying at the guest house at one of the churches, so I got there first and ended up going out to dinner with the senior pastor and his wife, Mike and Mary. They are just fantastic, and I love being with them and hearing all that they have going on for the Lord! Plus, they took me out for pizza and I got a “personal” pizza that was seriously enough for my family – it was pretty hilarious when they put that in front of me!

The next morning I did the women’s Christmas brunch for Shelter Rock Church in Manhasset. I haven’t been there before, but their team was lovely and so easy to work with. Someone had built the most incredible set for their theme, “Storybook Christmas.” I talked about how so often we have these expectations about the perfect “storybook” Christmas which are almost always impossible, but that the true story of Christmas is Jesus’ birth, and that gives us our happy ending because that story is true.

The next morning I did the services at Christ United Methodist Church in Port Jefferson. My dear friend, Linda, is their worship pastor, and they did a lovely job of worship and then gave me the rest of the service. I talked about the true meaning of Christmas and about John 10:10 life, abundant life, that is possible because of this greatest gift of Jesus at Christmas. I also shared some of our story. There was a New York cop sitting in the back, and I made him cry! #goals. It was a great morning, and so fun to be back at this church again. And one fun fact – this is the church where I originally met the family who inspired the song “Your Child.” So amazing to see where God has taken that song, from such a small beginning (see it here).

I had a free day, so I spent some of it with my friend, Linda, and some of it just writing and working. Since I had the little guest house at the church, it was a bit like having a writer’s retreat, which I really loved! My life is never quiet, and that was a lovely little interlude.

Finally, on Tuesday I did the women’s Christmas brunch at Island Christian Church in Northport. This is Mike and Mary’s church. They’ve completely redone the sanctuary since I was there, and it is so beautiful! I was so happy for them – I know that was a rough time since they had to move out completely from the space for months and they are a big church, but it’s going to be so much more functional and usable. The time there was also just wonderful. This church has been such a blessing to me over the years, and I’m just grateful and thankful for them!

All in all, an amazing trip, and now I’m ready to try to wrap my head around Christmas for our family of eight, and all the extended family that goes with it!

Two Podcasts

November 19th, 2019

I’ve been featured recently on two podcasts I wanted to share.

The first was for the National Salvation Army ministry called their “Prepare Podcasts.” I was episode 51 and it was such a fun and comfortable interview! You can find that here.

The second one I did was for Brilliantly Brave Parenting, really focusing in this one on special needs parenting. You’ll find that one here.


Aspire Fall Weekends

November 12th, 2019

Kay, Shaunti, and I backstage at one of the events in MI.

Kay killing it at our sold-out house in Midland, MI

With Jaime and Sandy, my beautiful adoptive mama friends!

At the event in NC.

With Amberly and Barb backstage.

At one of the events in IN with Melissa and Kay

This fall, I did three weekends with Aspire. The first weekend was in Michigan and I had three shows with Shaunti Feldhan and Kay Dodd. This was my first time working with either of them, and they were simply fantastic! Aspire weekends are long and exahsuting and have a lot of travel and packing/unpacking, etc, and these women made it a delight. So fun to get to know them, and it felt like we’d been friends forever! Another really fun moment for me personally was that I had some adoptive mama friends come out to our event in Midland. Shout out to Sandy and Jaime – it was so fun to see you! We met in China when we were adopting our kiddos, and it’s been a joy to keep in touch!

The second weekend was in North Carolina and South Carolina with Barb Roose and Amberly Neese. I’ve worked with both of them before, and again, they made it a joy. We had a lot of driving and travel for that one, and we had a lot of wonderful conversation and laughter along the way!

The third weekend was in Indiana and I served with Melissa Spoelstra and Kay Dodd again on that weekend. Melissa and I have been friends for a long time, so that was just a blessing to get to be with her, and it was so good to see Kay again! Poor Kay had lost her mother just days before these events, but she bravely came ahead and did a great job.

After the Aspire events that last weekend, I went to Taylor University to see my daughter, and to speak and sing at Upland Community Church where my daughter’s been attending for the last couple years. It was so fun to get to see her and her church family!

I have dearly loved meeting and serving with the women I got to know on Aspire. That has sincerely been one of the greatest joys I’ve had. I will not be continuing with Aspire after this season, and I will miss working with these incredible women!

TV Shoot, Salvation Army, and Music Video News

October 3rd, 2019

Filming on the set of 100 Huntley Street in Toronto.

Some of the amazing ladies from the Salvation Army Retreat – I had such fun with this group!

The nominations for Content 19 Film Festival

I had a pretty incredible week last week. First I headed up to Toronto with my mom to shoot 100 Huntley Street, the longest running Christian television show in Canada. I’ve been on it 3 other times, I think, but this was a new host for me, and it was fun to be back!

After shooting the show (I will post when it airs as their shoot schedule is quite far ahead), my mom and I headed over to the Detroit area where I was speaking for the Salvation Army at their regional retreat. Women from all over MI and the surrounding areas were there, and it was just an amazing group. I’ve done several things with the Salvation Army, and my respect for the people in the organization is pretty much unparalleled – I’ve been so touched and impressed by all the staff, and the women were fantastic! It was a fairly rainy weekend, but that hardly mattered. I spoke on the life of Peter, and also led worship and did a concert one night with a focus on helping vulnerable children.

Also, a couple of updates. My music video for “A Greater Love” was nominated for both “Best Justice Video” and also “Best Music Video” at the Content 19 Film Festival, so that was pretty fun!

Family Post

September 16th, 2019

First day of school for all but the senior in high school and the junior in college.

Anna, Noah, and I at the Greek Festival.

Noah and Ethan coming in second and third at their race!

Fun camping in the back yard.

Rinnah’s floormates wandering the neighborhood with lanterns for the Moon Festival.

We are getting back into the swing of school. Life always seems to move at lightspeed toward the end of the summer getting ready for school, and then at the beginning when we’re trying to get everything set up and everyone adjusted. I try not to have events at this time of year just because there’s so little margin!

This is a big year for us. Rachel is starting her senior year, Toby is starting high school, and Noah is starting middle school – lots of transitions! Rinnah is still at Taylor University, now a junior, and Ethan and Anna started fifth and third grades.

We’ve made time for some fun, too, though. We went to the Greek Festival with the kiddos, and taught them all to yell “Opa!” at the dancers and eat some amazing food. The three youngest all ran their first official race which Toby’s cross country team had organized. We had some camping in the backyard, and some s’more time. And then this past weekend, Rinnah brought most of her floor from Taylor to our house for a floor retreat, and we celebrated the Moon Festival too. It was so fun to meet all these amazing young women, and we had fun immediately sending them out with lanterns and feeding them (or trying to) different kinds of moon cake.

All in all, it’s been a good beginning to the school year, and now I’m gearing up for another season of ministry!

Two Years with Ethan and Anna

July 31st, 2019

Ethan in Victoria’s Chinatown, posing by the dragon.

Anna, being like her big brother.

Two years ago today we met Ethan and Anna for the first time. Simultaneously it seems like there is no way that two years have passed, and also that they have been ours forever! It has not been an easy two years, but I love that our family now feels like a family – they are comfortable and happy and know that they are loved. We still have challenges, but the blessings far outweigh them.

Ethan, you are creative, sporty, kind, fun, super smart, and up for anything!

Anna, you are loving, dramatic, joy-filled, spunky, and artistic!

You both have my heart, and I am forever grateful to be your forever mom.

(PS These were taken in Chinatown in Victoria – since the boys’ Chinese names both mean “dragon,” everyone had to pose with the dragon!)

Music Video Chosen For Film Festival

July 18th, 2019

We just got word that my music video for “A Greater Love” was chosen for the Content 19 Film Festival in September, and is up for an award! This is so fun, because that song is so personal, and I loved how the video came out!

I wrote that song before Noah came home. We had just been told that his heart condition was much more serious than we had thought (and we knew it was serious) because he had been left so long. We were told it was likely he was coming home for hospice, and this was so devastating for us. As I was praying about this and pouring my heart out to God, I felt that He said so clearly to me, “Jennifer, your job on this planet is not just to live a long time. Your job is to know Me. And if you can bring Noah home and help him know Me, you’ve given him eternity, whether his life is short or long.”

It was such a personal and profound moment for me. I wrote this song about the love God has for Noah and for all of us. And of course, after Noah came home, we found out he was still operable (praise God!) and so his health is much more stable now.

Noah is pretty private. He knows what I share about him, but he would hate to have a video about him. So this was a concept I came up with to take the video in a more general direction while still fitting the lyric, and I just love how it came out!

You can watch the video here.

We will let you know what happens at the Film Festival!

Podcasts and Radio Shows

July 7th, 2019

Since my article about making churches more accessible for families dealing with sensory and autism spectrum disorders came out (read it here), I’ve done several interviews on this topic. Spirit Radio Network (central US) did a short program and then followed up with a full hour, and I also did a longer parenting program on KNLB (based in AZ). I was a guest on John Clemmons reports (nationwide) and Off the Bookshelf (based in MI). Chris Pugh also did a full hour podcast with me on churches and special needs children – you can see that here (taped in a hotel room while traveling to visit a college with Rachel – it never stops!).

In addition, Campus Crusade’s (CRU) Radio Network released a spot nationwide for their “Making Your Life Count” which was picked up across the country. You can hear that here. I taped several shows for them earlier, so it’s fun to start hearing those making their way into the world!

Our Northwest Adventure Part 3 – Vancouver Island, BC

June 22nd, 2019

While we still believed the trail was moderate.

One of the many, stunning views.

Taking a break looking across the Juan del Fuca Strait at the Olympic Mountains.

You can see my family ahead of me who are tiny in this pic – the scale was huge.

The first place we started having to rock climb.

Another very steep section where I took a picture looking down on my way up – I’m only about a third of the way up this section.

Another beautiful bald eagle.

Rinnah walking on the edge – we never got pictures of the really scary stuff because we were trying not to die, but again, you can see the scale of this.

A beautiful little cove we stumbled onto about halfway to the halfway where we turned back – the kids played here for a while and found their first beach glass ever which turned into a major hunt.

One of the seals we saw playing in the water at Cabin Point.

The sunken garden at Butchart Gardens, built to disguise an old quarry.

The Japanese Garden at Butchart Gardens.

A hidden glimpse through the trees to the water at Butchart Gardens.

The stunning view from our porch – best part of the house and I could look at it all day.

The tiny totem at the turn to our street – we loved this!

Anna showing her haul at Glass Beach.

Rinnah and Rachel walking into Fan Tan Alley in Victoria’s Chinatown.

At 23 1/2 Fan Tan Alley. There are many half addresses in Chinatown as they were trying to squeeze in more immigrants and keep them from the notice of the government.

The Gate of Harmonious Interest in Victoria’s Chinatown.

One of the totem displays at the Royal BC Museum. We loved looking at the totems all over Alaska and BC on this trip.

The boys REALLY enjoying traditional food from Yunnan.

Driving up through Washington was beautiful, the border crossing was pretty easy (always a concern when you have an unusual looking family), and we made it to our ferry with literally 2 minutes to spare, but we made it! This was a very impressive operation – a huge ferry with hundreds of cars. The kids were so impressed watching the 8 lanes going on in order and how they loaded it for the weight, etc. The scenery during the ride was stunning too – we were going through and around all of the islands in the Strait of Georgia and the Canadian counterpoint to the San Juan Islands. It’s about an hour and a half long trip.

One exciting/interesting/scary thing happened on the way over – a ship was in trouble. We were the closest vessel and so had to execute a rescue. We aren’t really sure what happened since they deployed a rescue boat from the ferry (the ferry was way too large to do it), but we could see a stranded boat. It took an extra probably 30 minutes, and the captain kept updating us, finally just telling us it had “all come right in the end,” and the rescue boat was back so we could continue.

We rented a house on Vancouver Island very close to the ferry. We just wanted a landing spot for the week – somewhere we could have some downtime and use as a home base for hiking and maybe another day in Victoria. This house was perfect for that. It wasn’t really near anything, but also was not far away from any of the things we wanted to see, and it did have a beautiful view of the water – we even saw otters from our deck a few times!

Our first day, we just had a “recovery” day – it had been so busy getting off the ship and seeing Seattle and getting ourselves up to Vancouver Island, we just wanted no plans. We explored our neighborhood, picked up groceries, played board games and just generally chilled out.

Our second day we decided to take our biggest hiking adventure. We picked this day because it was the coolest. The weather was great all week, and mostly cool, but we wanted the coolest day we could get for a big hike because Noah’s heart does so much better when it’s not hot. The high predicted was only about 65, so we thought he’d be a lot more comfortable and able to do it.

I had read a lot about this hike, and we were already a little nervous about whether our Littles could do it. It was called in several places the “best day hike in Canada” which seemed pretty awesome, and it sounded amazing! You hike right on the edge of the Juan del Fuca straight with ancient pine forests on one side, and the water on the other, looking out across the water at the Olympic mountains – just gorgeous. All the guides called it a “moderate” hike (a term that has now become infamous in our family!) saying there was some moderately vigorous climbing, but it was doable by a family, and we just thought we’d take it slow and take a lot of breaks. Our main concern was that it was 10 kilometers long (about 6.5 miles) and we weren’t sure if Noah could make it that far. But there was one turn back about halfway along, so we figured we could cut our losses if he wasn’t doing well. We packed food for the entire day thinking we could take all the time needed and play on the beaches, etc, and boy, were we glad we did!

Because, um, this was no moderate trail. Sure, it started moderate. It was stunning too, and exactly what we were hoping for – interesting trail winding in an out of an ancient forest and then along beautiful cliffs with waves crashing below, all on a completely recognizable and safe TRAIL. But that changed as we went on. Pretty much as soon as it was too far to turn around, we started getting some concerning trails – things where we were walking up rocks that sloped toward the cliffs and made us nervous, or very extreme elevation changes, basically like rock climbing, stuff like that. We started joking about “Canadian moderate” maybe being a different definition.

Then we hit a few really unsafe spots. Like, actually terrifying, especially when hiking with kids who have never hiked before. And then we got to a spot that was maybe 8-10 feet across, but was actually scooting along a cliff face on a 3” toe-hold about 80 feet above the jagged rocks and waves below, and by the time I got there, 3 kids had already gone across and there was no way back. When we got past it, I actually started to cry – it was just terrifying that I had my kids up there. And the trail blazes were literally screwed into the side of the cliff as though to say, “no really, you’re not wrong, this is actually the trail, this 3 inch wide toe-hold on the side of a cliff. Welcome to Canadian moderate hiking.” We were all looking at each other like, “what in the world would they define as difficult?!?!” We had heard that the second half of the trail was actually HARDER, so we decided if we were still alive by the halfway mark, we’d definitely turn back then. When we got there, it was beautiful, and we actually saw several seals playing in the water below. It took us 6.5 hours to get to the halfway point! The turn back went back through the woods essentially completing a circle back to our car, and even though we climbed and then descended a pretty intense mountain in the middle of the woods, getting back only took an hour and fifteen minutes because it was so much easier. It was one of the most stunning things I’ve ever seen, but frankly, it made me mad – we would never have gone if ANYONE had mentioned how dangerous it was!

It kind of freaked me out for hiking on the rest of the trip which was a real bummer because several people in our family love hiking, but we don’t think it’s worth dying for, just FYI. So there was that.

Our third day we decided to be more refined. And also not risk death. So after a night of nightmares thinking of all the what-could-have-beens, we took the morning off for game playing, reading, coffee on the deck, and general lazing around, and then headed to the world famous Butchart Gardens. This was someone’s house once (!!!) and they spent, oh, about a hundred bajillion dollars on their gardens basically to disguise a rock quarry they mined out to make the hundred bajillion dollars in the first place. It was stunning, and also super hot, so not the best for Noah. We kept dumping water on his head and keeping him in the shade, but we had to keep this visit shorter.

Our fourth day we had another easy morning and then decided we should do something. There is a little aquarium called the Shaw Center for the Salish Sea, and how could we pass that up?! We asked if they would perhaps give Shaws free admission, but they didn’t go for it. However, it was super fun! Not large at all, but so interesting, and pretty empty so we had sort of a private guide for a lot of it, and the kids just had a great time learning all about the creatures inhabiting the waters right outside the door. Afterward, we went outside and found Glass Beach which is very small but literally covered with beach glass – the Littles were amazed, and spent a lot of time looking for the most interesting colors and shapes and bringing the very best home. They’d never seen beach glass before, and I’ve certainly never seen so much in one place ever! Makes you wonder about the water current patterns there, and also maybe the throwing-bottles-over-the-sides-of-ships patterns of the locals.

The fifth day some of us decided we needed to hike again (some others of us may have been overruled). We headed to a state park we’d heard had great hiking, and tried hard to make sure there were, you know, trails and stuff. We hiked way, way down (the whole way down this incredibly steep path, one cannot help thinking, “oh goodie, we get to hike back up all this!”) to a very beautiful loch at low tide, so we were able to look in the tidal pools and also discover literally thousands of little crabs racing all over the place. At this point, we split up a bit, and Rinnah and I stayed and played with Noah, Ethan, and Anna a bit longer and then hiked back while Nathan, Toby, and Rachel went on a longer hike to the mountain summit. Nathan knew I was nervous, and whenever he got a signal, he sent me a text that he was still alive which I did appreciate. That night we headed into the little town we were staying in for a street fair they have every Thursday all summer, and that was cute and fun.

Our sixth day was our last. We packed out of the house and headed down to Victoria again. Our goal today was to see Chinatown and hopefully get some real Chinese food, and to see the Royal BC Museum before we had to head back to catch our ferry to Vancouver. This is the first Chinatown in Canada, and also has the smallest street in all of Canada, Fan Tan Alley, which was very like stepping into a Harry Potter movie. This Chinatown is tiny, so we didn’t need a lot of time, but we were so glad we saw it.
We went there first while it wasn’t busy and then headed to the museum thinking we would spend a couple of hours there and then come back for a late lunch before heading out.

Well, the Royal BC museum was absolutely amazing, and my main regret of this trip was that we didn’t come here on a day with more time! My family spends more time in museums than most seem to, but we seriously could have been here the entire day. They had so much – a full floor of First Nation artifacts including a chief’s entire house and full-sized totems, a huge traveling display of Mayan history and culture, a whole section of natural history, a fascinating exhibit on First Nation languages, and then this totally amazing historical recreation walk-though of the history of British Columbia. You could walk through a Victorian era home, old Chinatown, a canning company, a logging camp, mine for gold, it just went on and on! The kids loved it, and we had to almost run through. Then we got outside and realized they had a whole historical village section too! I don’t know when we’ll get back to Victoria, but if we do, I’m going there again – it was amazing.

Speaking of amazing, we headed back for lunch in Chinatown. We practically ran back hoping to get food before we had to get back on the road for our ferry. Many of the restaurants that have been there a long time have kind of mixed reviews, but I’d read about one called Little Yunnan (a province in China) that was really authentic. It was fantastic! Very different even from what our Chinese kiddos were used to (none of them are from Yunnan) but they loved, loved, loved it. We got several small plates of things to share and then these soups that came with about 15 small bowls of things you could add or not and basically make your own flavor profile. Ethan made his spicy enough to take a normal person’s head off which made him super happy. And we just had an awesome time together! It’s so hard to get real Chinese food in the Americas, so this was very fun.

Then we raced out of there to make our ferry – we had really pushed the time because we were loving the museum so much, but again, we made it with about a minute to spare. We were so glad we did too! There was a medical emergency of some kind on the ferry crossing ours and they had to turn back which messed up the entire schedule for the rest of the day – if we hadn’t made our boat, we wouldn’t have gotten back that night, and we would probably have missed our flights!!

We had a crazy long time at the border this time and tons of traffic in Seattle, so we got to our hotel so late. We had to be up at 5 am for our flights home, so this was not the most relaxing end to our trip. Then a flight to Kansas City, then to Indy. We thought our landing was really bumpy and then realized there was actually a tornado happening! When we landed at the Indy airport, all the flights were canceled and there were people everywhere. We were frantically checking the storm, trying to figure out if it was safe to drive home to Columbus, or if we needed to sleep in the airport. What a mess! In the end, we decided to try it, and we drove 3 more hours in driving rain, but fortunately, no hail and no tornadoes. What a wild end! But it was an incredible trip, and made such amazing memories. So blessed to get to experience it with our family!